Can Infidelity Save a Marriage? | Psychology Today

Last Thursday the Huffington Post?published?the?front page?story "How Cheating Can Save Your Marriage" by?fellow Psychology Today blogger Susan Shapiro Barash.?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-shapiro-barash/why-women-chea...

Ms. Barash discovered through interviews with women who cheat on their husbands that "the other man can actually help them stay in an unhappy or suboptimal marriage because they find their happiness with the lover." She found that these women "feel more balanced in their marriage because of the affair" and it "may become a way of life."

Ms. Barash?found that more affairs are happening later in a woman's marriage. These affairs?serve a valuable function. They allow the less adventurous women to not?have to risk?their children's wrath, their sure retirement,?standard of living?and social standing?for a chance at happiness.

Why do middle aged women wait so long to stray? The poor quality of the mirage marriage may be hidden from view for years as the couple distracts themselves with the hustle and bustle of raising a family on two incomes. When the kids leave home and retirement nears, the longstanding problems of the couple become too much to ignore. Wendy Crisp, spokeswoman for the National Association of Female Executives, describes this day of reckoning:

"If you never really liked each other or have nothing to share, you have to basically reach agreements that a significant portion of your time will be spent doing separate things...Separate things could mean separate bedrooms."

When a couple?reaches the crisis phase in the mirage relationship, this is often the scenario. The mirage man originally deceived the woman into a relationship to get sex and companionship. Over the years, the couple gradually discovers they don't like each other because of incompatible personalities?and because they have?little if anything?in common as far as interests, goals and world view that could bring them closer. The woman expresses her disgust at the poor relationship by withdrawing physically. She then finds another person to meet her physical needs while?remaining in the shell of the marriage.

The final act of the deceptive man's life may feature him living in a romantic Siberia, whiling away his?Golden Years exiled from the marriage bed while his wife finds comfort in the arms of another love. He and his wife live together with nothing in common except children, grandchildren and a long-simmering mutual resentment of one another. Their's is a life of appearances and going through the motions like Prince Charles and the late Lady Diana.

The?thought of wasting one's life in such a relational Hell should encourage us all to think twice before submitting to our society's mutated method of modern love. The good news is we have a choice: do we perpetuate this romantic cancer on our partner and children, or do we become part of the cure and seek relationships of true intimacy instead of cheating on the side?

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